Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
