dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
