Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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