Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
