loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
