my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
