Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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