U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
