my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
