look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
