I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
