No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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