that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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