how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
