I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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