I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize