I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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