I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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