I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
