I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
