Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
