I want to walk on stilts...naked
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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