I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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