3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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