the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
