Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
