haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just gargled with NyQuil
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
