If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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