my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
