"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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