I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
