How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
