i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
