somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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