Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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