6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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