she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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