Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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