drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
