I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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