I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
