every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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