I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize