The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
