Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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