I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
