1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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