I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
