Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
