i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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