Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
