I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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