Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
