I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Randomize
