you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
