I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize