I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
3 2 1 whiskey
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
